I am an OUTCAST

As the youngest in the family, I always find myself dancing in the arms of my relatives. They were fond of me and as a kid, I could say that I loved the attention. But as I grow old, around 7 years, things changed.

I get random eye rolls from cousins on my father side without knowing what I did wrong. All I was thinking back then was I want to play with them. I was called an ‘orphan’ numerous times as I play in the front yard which led me to question the statement’s legitimacy. Sometimes, they will call me to give them my snacks and ask me to leave after. I never thought my feelings were played that way at such vulnerable age. I sometimes bump into them and greet them but they walk pass me as if I am air, dust or a disgrace. They told me I changed that’s why they were treating me differently and I still have no clue on what they meant. And no one knew about that experience except me, I held onto it for all my life. Never once did I talk ill about them to other people, I just held it in and go on with my life but despite doing so, their judgments just pass through my protective walls and just hurt me harder than the last time. I often blame myself for something I don’t understand and constantly ask myself what is wrong with me. I envy the ones who can just freely joke around with their relatives and not feel awkward but I knew it by heart that it is the anxiety that makes me think things. It took me a while to realize that what I experienced was bullying and it took a toll on my confidence and self-esteem.

So, I grew distant.

Not just to them, but to everyone. Even with my other relatives. I developed my anxiety towards relatives that I am too scared to talk to them or to show my real character which my siblings doesn't have any problems about. When I am around them, I turn into someone I cannot even recognize. I know that my shyness and anxiety rubs of as being rude, but I just can’t bring myself to open up to them. I am awkward at gatherings, sulking in the corner acting uninvited. My embarrassing smile, my wide eyes was all I can provide as a failed attempt on joining in. They probably get annoyed as well and that could be the reason why they just don’t bother to initiate a conversation with me anymore. And what hurts the most is that although I feel uncomfortable, I got used to it, I got used to the feeling and I don’t blame them.

I am not planning on voicing it out to them. I don’t want to bother them at all. This was a wound that only God knows when it will heal of will it ever be?

That is the main reason why I can’t show my real self to the new people I meet. It always take time to bring down my walls, brick by brick. But looking on the positive side of things, It makes me glad that people don’t easily get in and I don’t easily get hurt. I can distinguish who are the ones interested enough and kind enough to bring themselves into my life.

It made me value relationships more.

I know that it may sting from time to time, during gatherings, occasions and meetups but I know it made me stronger. For the longest time I am an outcast but the experience made me wiser in choosing people to see my soft side. The feeling of helplessness made me stronger by heart.

But still, I cannot help myself but ask, Why?